I wish I could teleport
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
