not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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