My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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