in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize