it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
