if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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