were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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