Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So vagazzling was a success
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
