If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
