You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
