What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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