Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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