I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
