Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
