So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
