She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
