FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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