I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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