You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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