you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
