the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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