I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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