Don't make out with my wife yet
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
