im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
