P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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