I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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