the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
