ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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