did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
