In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
