hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
