I'm so fucking centered right now
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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