it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
