Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
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Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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