remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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