to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
