nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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