I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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