I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
