look no pants
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
