i love accidental penises.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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