I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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