My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
