I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
