K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
FUCK WHALES
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
