my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
