You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
