my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
