My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
