And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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