Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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