I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
