i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
