The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
