I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
