I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
