DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
