It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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